Feeling lonely is never great. Feeling lonely around the holidays can be overwhelming and doubly upsetting. Every image you see implies that everyone around you is having a better time than you. That others are happily surrounded by more people than you have known in your life. My ability to move past my own winter holiday-related trauma is rather recent, even though the last of the events occurred in 2012. Without a community of folks in similar situations to lean on, I suspect it would have taken longer.
For many, the holidays mean lots of unwanted memories popping up. The timing may carry the added complication of your normal support systems being inaccessible due to things like vacations, family commitments, weather-related issues as well as general holiday rush. This is where online communities can be effective ways of connecting with people. Since they are often global, there are usually enough people across multiple time zones, whenever you connect, to keep everyone from feeling alone.
As a creator, you have an opportunity to create a safe haven through your content. Your community is likely filled with folks who, like you, might be struggling with similar feelings brought about by the season.
Here are some things I’ve done over the years. Each of them is labeled with the level of commitment needed – something I’ve found helpful, especially when my capacity fluctuates. I have listed them in order of ascending difficulty. I’m honored to say they’ve all helped keep my community space a bit warmer and brighter for many.
Before I start, here’s my Ground Rule: Inclusion means exclusion (of intolerance).
At least for me, a lot of the issues around the holidays and lacking family are due to my identity. That means that the goal of your event is very likely to promote acceptance, kindness, and tolerance around all different matters of our identities. Especially for marginalized folks. Make sure you are paying a lot of attention to those you are hosting the events for and their needs, especially if their experiences reside outside of your knowledge. That also means insuring that folks that make others feel unsafe are removed from these events as soon as you possible.
Let’s a-gooo!
Cultivating Anti-loneliness Spaces:
Game Nghts/ Movie Nights
Level of Effort: Low / Chill
Hours: 1-2
This one is probably the easiest both logistically and timewise. Set aside some time for the whole community to watch something together (Netflix and Disney+ both have watch-together capabilities) or you can all play a group game together.
If you’re watching something, have everyone vote on a few choices. If you’re gaming, try to keep it to games with a low learning curve. Gartic Phone, Jackbox and Skribbl.io are some that come to mind. Jackbox also has great capabilities for censorship and safety in case you’re not yet too familiar with the group you’re playing with and want to keep things on the more conservative side.
Card/Gift Exchanges
Level of Effort: Medium / High
Hours: 2 – 12
Start a non-denominational card exchange. Every year I’ve been able to pull this off, it ends up being a big hit! Meaning that even with low turn out, those who get cards always note how happy they are to see someone care. To have something to cherish and wait for knowing it’s in the mail. Some years we only have four folks trading cards, but we’ve had up to 30 people participating at once.
I’ve used Google Forms, as well as sites like Draw Names, to track addresses. Draw Names was great because it chooses names for you and asks participants to enter options for small gifts they might like. With a Google Form, I had to use a name randomizer site that popped up during a Google search.
Either way, start by disclosing that addresses will be seen by the person who is sending the card to you, as well as whoever the organizer may be in the community. This allows people to choose if they’re comfortable participating, knowing their address will be available to someone else.
For those who may not be comfortable sharing their physical address, you can have an option to exchange e-cards. After the form is done, I match the e-card folks to each other. Also in the Google form, I have a section for folks to denote if they’d also like a card from me or if they’d like cards from multiple people.
Volunteer Digitally or In-Person
Level of Effort: High
Hours: 2-10 hours
Being of service to others often helps people feel both a sense of connection and empowerment. As a content creator, you can facilitate this!
One way to do this is by having accountability buddies. This can be either online (e.g., Discord) or in-person (e.g., coffee shop). To do so, two or more people share what their goals are, what they need from others to be successful, and then everyone involved encourages and supports each other!
In terms of other kinds of service, if your online community includes folks from your area, you can all sign up to do something helpful in person! This might include things like volunteering in a soup kitchen or assisting in delivering meals to those in need. If you can’t meet in person or are not comfortable discussing local events near you, you can all get on a Discord call to create cards for services that disperse them to those in need in hospitals or safe houses.
Check-In Buddies
Level of Effort: High
Hours: 4 – 10
Consider asking folks if they would like to sign up to be virtual check-in buddies. Check-in buddies are simply two or more folks who are willing to regularly message/call/email to catch up during December/early January. What about and what limits the chats should have, are up to you to establish.
If you choose to do this in your community, make sure the ground rules are clear and understood by all, in advance.
For example, will the buddies play games together? Or simply share a few things they’re grateful for?
Make sure everyone feels safe by stating clear limits to what a check-in buddy can or cannot do, limits of topics which topics can be discussed, and everyone should know what other resources are our there to help in case of an emergency ahead of time. A variety of mental health resources can be found at Take This’ resource page.
For this idea, firm ground rules are the most important aspect. Here are some questions to consider:
Questions to ask before:
- What will these check-ins entail?
- What can folks do during check-ins, and what shouldn’t they do (e.g., don’t give advice)?
- If someone needs to stop participating, what happens to their buddy?
How can people opt in or out if they need to? - How frequent will check-ins be?
- What medium (e.g., email or Discord calls)?
For this activity, you’ll want to create prompts in advance. Creating some sample prompts or questions can help the flow of conversation, as well as keep things going in a direction everyone is comfortable with.
Example 1: In our community we talk about highs and lows of the week during streams. During a check-in like this one, that would be part of our prompt.
What was your high this week? What was the low? What was your overall theme of the week?
Example 2: Weekly topic prompts
Week 2: Talk about favorite holiday traditions and how you’ve made them your own
Week 3: Talk about the best gift you ever got, the gift you hope to one day give yourself, etc.
Like in a card exchange, you can create a Google form for people who would like to participate to enter their info, along with their timezone. Then you can pair folks up based on those timezones to check in on each other. You can switch it up every week if you have the time, or keep folks the same if you don’t.
Check-in buddies are definitely the most effort to set up and maintain, but if your community is smaller (and comfortable with it), it might be a way to connect with new folks as well as make a difference. I only did this during the first year I was streaming, but we got a lot of great feedback!
Finally
You are not alone in struggling with just trying to get through another holiday season. As a reminder, you don’t have to make this particular season special at all if you’re having a hard time. Instead, you can refocus your attention at the beginning of the year as you set new goals. You can even wait until later when new blossoms come about and the sun starts appearing more before celebrating in some other way.
What you celebrate, why, when, and with whom is up to you. More than anything I wish you to find joy and inner kindness – this season and always.
This article is not a substitute for medical advice or professional counseling. While we at Take This want to provide you with resources, we do not recommend or endorse any particular site, treatment, therapy, or resource. We provide these links at our sole discretion but have not necessarily vetted or reviewed any particular resource. We assume no liability for the use of the information or resources on these sites and encourage you to use your own best judgment when reviewing these resources.
If you live in the US and you’re having suicidal thoughts, reach out to the Suicide & Crisis Lifeline or call/text 988. If you’re outside the US, you can find local crisis lines at Suicide.org. If you’re even debating whether you should call them, you should call them. The Suicide & Crisis Lifeline handles all psychological crises, not just suicide.
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