In Take This’ article Navigating Holiday Conflicts, Brian Kunde writes about the importance of being able to confront people in healthy ways, especially when it comes to communicating our own boundaries. Both authors of this present article are practicing clinicians, and we can both tell you that people have a lot of strong reactions when the word “confrontation” gets used.
One common misconception is that confrontations are aggressive, by nature, and that we have to communicate our needs aggressively. If that were true, we’d probably recommend confrontations far more infrequently with our clients.
While it is often true that people need to be assertive in their needs and boundaries, that’s not the same as being aggressive. However, it’s worth noting that many people do not know the difference and will sometimes conflate the two, especially if they’re not used to the other person asserting their own needs. Additionally, many people who are not used to communicating their own boundaries assertively might fear they’re being aggressive, so it’s important to know the difference between the two.
Aggressive vs. Assertive Communication: What’s the Difference?
When thinking of the difference between aggressive and assertive communication, people sometimes get confused because both styles firmly state what one person wants or needs. One major difference between them is that assertive communication involves respect for the other person and their autonomy while still firmly stating one’s needs; contrariwise, aggressive communication either attempts to control or ignore the needs of another person.
- Assertive: “Hey, mom. I get overstimulated and overloaded by all the noise at holiday parties. If you want me to come and help, can we talk about how I can take quiet breaks throughout the night?”
- Aggressive: “People need to leave me alone, if you want me to show up.”
The assertive version acknowledges that both people have needs, those needs might come into conflict, and asks to figure out a solution which works for both people. The aggressive version doesn’t give a $&#^ about the needs of other people. As an FYI, sometimes aggressive communication is also appropriate, but that’s a whole other article.
What about when we need to confront people about something? That can bring up a myriad of feelings like anxiety, anger, and confusion, especially if we’re not used to communicating our needs and boundaries assertively.
Here are some tips for asserting yourself and having a healthy confrontation with a loved one:
1) Aim to Call In
“Hey, can we talk privately in the kitchen? It’s important.”
Conceived by Ngọc Loan Trần at Black Girl Dangerous, Calling In is about approaching confrontation from a place of compassion, with the intention of helping the other party understand how their behavior is impacting you, improving your understanding of why they are behaving this way, and finding a way to move forward. Common strategies for Calling In include trying to have a 1-on-1 conversation, giving the other person space to explain their role in the conflict, and emphasizing that we want to remain in community with them but their behavior is getting in the way.
It’s important to remember that Calling In is not about centering the feelings of someone causing harm to others. It is not a chance for them to justify overtly racist, transphobic, sexist, ableist or other oppressive behavior as valid. It’s about showing them our relationship with them matters and we need something to change to move forward.
2) Describe The Problem
“I noticed you keep bringing up the 2024 presidential election and asking us to talk about who we’re going to vote for.”
Stick to the facts of the situation! Describe the issue in a specific, objective, observable, and non-judgmental way.
3) Describe How The Problem Impacts You
“I feel uncomfortable when you bring up the election because it is causing arguments between Aunt Karen and Uncle Keith. It makes it difficult for my partner and I to want to stay.”
This can be both the emotions and practical impacts of the behavior. Avoid assigning blame to a person as the source of this impact, but instead assign that blame to the behavior.
4) Seek Understanding
“I thought we had agreed politics were off limits at Thanksgiving. What happened?”
Ask the person to explain what happened and why they chose that behavior. Sometimes, people misunderstand our boundaries or do not see a specific behavior as crossing them. Giving them a chance to take accountability on their own can help defuse an otherwise tense situation. If you’ve previously communicated the boundary to this person, it’s useful to remind them of that here.
5) Ask For Specific Changes & Reinforce
“I see why you felt the need to finish that talk with Alice. Can we leave all politics, even upcoming elections, off limits during dinner? If we can do that, my partner and I will feel comfortable staying longer. If we can’t, we are going to leave early. If you really need to talk about it with Alice, can you both go out to the porch and do it privately?”
When asking someone to change, be specific about what you’d like them to do differently. Reinforce why this is important by reminding them of the positive & negative consequences related to your boundary. If it makes sense to do so, try negotiating or offering a compromise. Some boundaries may not be up for negotiation, and that’s ok!
We hope that with these tips, you’ll be able to have a productive and meaningful dialogue with the other person. But if either party is starting to feel overwhelmed, unsafe, or unwilling to make changes that means it might be time to take a break. As discussed in Navigating Holiday Conflicts, if you find yourself in that situation, it may be important to disengage and take some time to cope with this particular stressor. If you’ve found yourself facing someone not open to respecting your boundaries, check out the next article in our series: Coping With Unsupportive Family Members.
This article is not a substitute for medical advice or professional counseling. While we at Take This want to provide you with resources, we do not recommend or endorse any particular site, treatment, therapy, or resource. We provide these links at our sole discretion but have not necessarily vetted or reviewed any particular resource. We assume no liability for the use of the information or resources on these sites and encourage you to use your own best judgment when reviewing these resources.
If you live in the US and you’re having suicidal thoughts, reach out to the Suicide & Crisis Lifeline or call/text 988. If you’re outside the US, you can find local crisis lines at Suicide.org. If you’re even debating whether you should call them, you should call them. The Suicide & Crisis Lifeline handles all psychological crises, not just suicide.